When the Holidays are Lonely

I have had this experience myself, many times during many holiday seasons.  Some times it was due to my overwhelming grief over the loss of a loved one earlier that year…a first Christmas without them.  Maybe that person even made prior holidays difficult, but feelings of grief made this particular Christmas even more so.

In other Christmas seasons in the past it was because I felt lonelier in a marriage than I ever felt when I was single.  This kind of loneliness seems to feel worse than actually being alone.  There is another person there, just out of reach.  And still other years, after having children be part of the celebrations for most of my life, no one can come “home” for Christmas. This year is one of those years for me.

One thing that can make this even more difficult is our tendency to “compare and contrast.”  We look around and think we see what we already believe to be true. We believe we are lonelier than most people, so what we focus on are the families or couples walking around the stores doing their Christmas shopping together.  Our eyes don’t notice the unsmiling faces of solitary figures.  When we see a car with a Christmas tree strapped to the roof, we automatically assume that the people in the car are filled with “exceeding great joy.”

The truth is, we have all been duped.  Walking in to a major retailer right before Halloween this year, I looked up to find Christmas decorations hanging from the ceiling.  Disgust and disappointment hit me in the gut like a one-two punch.  I felt set up to feel sad about Christmas before the celebration even got under way.

I often talk to clients about the problem of living in the age of the 24-hour news cycle.  News has become big entertainment.  We are bombarded with anything and everything that is taking place all over the world in “real time.”  Good news doesn’t sell newspapers, so to speak.  So when someone says, “this world is becoming a terrible place,” we believe it, because terrible things make up 90% of what we hear on the broadcast.  Contrast this to the commercials we view in between the latest breaking news.   During this season of the year, they’ll all about people experiencing wonderful, joy-filled Christmases, receiving everything they’ve ever wanted.  They look so happy.  So suddenly, the world is a lovely place where everyone’s home is beautifully decorated and everyone is having a wonderful time in spite of the news…everyone except us.

Well, if that’s a problem, what is a solution?  Trying to put together the perfect Christmas will not help.  Then what? I want to share three ways I am making Christmas less lonely for myself this year.

I am reflecting on the “reason for the season.”  No matter what your belief system, everyone can find things to be grateful for.  Right now I am journaling each day using an app called “1000 Gifts.”  I started it around Thanksgiving.  It has been fun for me to share what I am thankful for across social networking sites straight from the app, and it has helped me to realize what I do have instead of focusing on what I don’t.  And as an added bonus, this practice has been researched and shown to help lift depression long term.

I am focusing on blessing others.  I am giving several girlfriends a gift by throwing a holiday get-together.  We will experiment making homemade marshmallows and gourmet hot chocolate mix for gifts to give to neighbors or unexpected guests. I bought inexpensive canning jars and plastic bags so they get to take home what they make.  This also gives me even more of a reason to decorate a tree and put on the Christmas music.

On the “day” itself, I am going to do something different, something I have never done before on Christmas Day.  Re-enacting the same traditions evoke memories of times we were all together as a family.  Making a new tradition for my husband and myself, something that is fun and meaningful to us, will help me enjoy the day regardless of the fact that our children will not be with us.

These are just three ways I am being good to myself this year.  It may not completely “fix” my feelings of loneliness, but it is helping me more than I expected.  Have you found ways to help yourself when feelings of loneliness seem overwhelming?  If so, share it in the comment section below.  It can be your gift to others this year.

Guest post written by Linda Lochridge Hoenigsberg.  Linda writes a memoir blog at www.lindalochridge.com.  She is a psychotherapist in private practice in Helena, Montana where she lives with her husband and her goldendoodle, Emma.  You can also reach Linda at www.lindahoenigsberg.com.

2 Responses to When the Holidays are Lonely

1. angiewebb: December 8, 2012 at 3:44 am

   Linda, I loved the 3 new things you are beginning to get through the loneliness. I have struggled with that as well but I know I had to really decorate big this year to help with our loneliness without son and grandkids, plus I made a ton of homemade hot chocolate and fudge to give away. I also bought some new decorations and a new tree this year. Plus I also have decided that even if it is just hubby and I this year, we will do something new for Christmas morning instead of our normal routine. You gave some great ideas on the article. I appreciate your great advice.

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2. lindalochridge.com: December 8, 2012 at 4:50 am

   Thanks Angie! It’s nice to see you over here! I think it’s really helpful to be purposeful about helping ourselves deal with loneliness. Pick some things and do them consistently! You have some great ideas too.

   Reply